a (monthly) review before the big exam.
(things i have learned in the month of august 2010)
i learned that commuting to work from the suburbs does not suck. i learned to appreciate the business folk. the ones who’ve been making this same exact commute five out of seven days a week for the past however many years. i’ve met a lot of friendly, helpful people. made a lot of flirtatious eye contact with attractive, potential (in my dreams..) sugar daddies. enjoyed listening to a lot of new music on an ipod i am fortunate to be borrowing. appreciated each and every walk between the train station and my job. (today i was fortunate enough to get caught in the pouring rain on the way to work (you think that’s sarcasm, but it’s not))
i learned to appreciate my job again. alright, this didn’t happen over the past month. moreso over the past week. but i’ve made some headway since my recent daily internal battles, luckily ending in convincing myself to neither a. walk out nor b. kill someone. i think what triggered this change in mentality is something a coworker told me recently, “we don’t work for our employers, we work for the babies.” and it’s true. fuck anyone who criticizes the way i do my job (unless they are a parent of one of the kids) because i’m not doing it for them. i’m doing it for the nine babies i primarily take care of in my classroom. (sidenote: i really need to stop calling them babies.. they’re all going on two at this point) the way i see it, whatever i’m doing, i must be doing right. because those goddamn kids love me. i mean, love me. and i fucking love them. they’re the reason i wake up every morning. and the reason i don’t even think about calling off anymore. because walking in that classroom door to see three or four of them yelling my name and running toward me to give me a hug is more satisfying than anything else i think i’ve ever done in my life. for most of them, it’s “mommy, daddy, becky” and that’s all that really matters. that’s what keeps me going.
i learned a lot more of my flaws. once thinking i was always one who could hold her alcohol, this month made me realize that i need to be a lot smarter (and safer) when it comes to drinking. i’m an idiot. but i’m young, and i know i have growing up to do. moderation is key, and time and time again i try to disprove that when i’m intoxicated. because if there isn’t a drink in my hand, i’m wondering why not and subconsciously looking for a way to get one. it’s one thing to hurt myself, but to hurt someone else at the cost of my inebriation isn’t acceptable. this one will take time, i know. but recognition is the first step, right?
i learned that all i really need is a couple (literally couple) good friends, some good music, good books, good family relationships, and good values to be content. i’m not shooting for happiness anymore. in all honesty, it may not be in the cards for me right now. perhaps, one day. but as for the present, i’m just aiming to be content. okay. living, breathing, existing, and not minding it. i want to live day to day, but not struggle through them just to get to the next. this is tangible. this is doable. i’ve got some ideas..
above most other things, i recently learned that giving up is silly. anything can happen at the right or wrong time, but that’s just it. things keep happening. throwing in the towel doesn’t stop that. it just eliminates the very little control you do have over something happening. though it tends to take longer than it probably should, i’m starting to get my ducks in a row. i’m going back to school, i found an apartment, i’m working out a schedule. and as long as i stay organized (eek..), hopefully this next chapter of my life will be a little smoother and more productive than the last umm.. many, many chapters.
it could be four am delirium, but i’m thinking of trying this whole “keep your chin up” thing. changes need to be made, suretainly. but i know what to do and how to do it. i’m capable. i’m willing. i need this. goddamn, i fucking need this..