the dumbing down of a daydream enthusiast: Archive

the telephone yells out at me to wake..

i won’t be blamed for someone else’s mistakes.

Jan 27th

Dec 24th

no matter how distant i may get, know that i've...

Dec 5th

Nov 22nd

guys,

i think i found him.

Nov 9th

2 notes

when this ride ends will we still be friends

the thing is, i’m bad for you. like listening to depressing music when you’re already depressed. like finishing a fifth of whiskey in one night. like living in your head, sulking and dwelling. like bitter (not sweet) nostalgia. if i weren’t in your life, you wouldn’t be missing a tooth or a beater bike. you’d have a few more nice glasses and a few less blonde hairs on...

Sep 25th

this is (not) about me

looking back on that night, she remembers exactly what she wore - gray skinny jeans and the black bowling shirt she got from a thrift store. a ladybug was sewn on its sleeve, she could only assume for luck. if only it could have protected her from what was about to come.. about a year ago before this, she was told this awful truth - “a boy is looking for only one thing when he invites you...

Sep 9th

(not yet titled)

the sweetest thing any boyfriend gave me was an eighty-nine cent ice cream cone at the end of an April day, after getting caught in the rain, and before holding hands while we walked home. no, i’m not trying to be funny. he didn’t have very much money, yet still placed me up on some throne. but it’s for this reason, i chose to leave him and went back to being alone. they say...

Aug 28th

thanks, chris.

the past is dead, but lives on through memory. a cloudy head, that is my history. and some of my friends, they love their misery. as the river bends, embrace uncertainty.

Jul 10th

day seven.

i thought about you today. not to say i don’t think about you every day, but i missed you today. and i don’t know that i miss you every day.. in fact, i woke up this morning convinced i was over you. we haven’t spoken in seven days, and i drilled into my head the thought that i was over you. in hindsight, i don’t know if i can demean either of us to that extent. you once...

Apr 21st

measure me in metered lines and one decisive stare, the time it takes to get from here to there. my ribs that show through t-shirts and these shoes i got for free.. i’m unconsoled. i’m lonely. i am so much better than i used to be. terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives. drowning in the pools of other lives. rely a bit too heavily on alcohol and irony. get clobbered...

Feb 14th

Jan 2nd

thought i'd finally get that kiss at midnight..

guess there’s always next year..

Jan 1st

Dec 30th

every time i see a plane in the sky..

i close my eyes and wish i was on it. destination, anywhere but here.

Dec 15th

Dec 13th

i take it back.

i don’t regret that it ended. i regret that it ever began.

Dec 7th

"i want to see, real, living, and in the hours of...

(i thought i had found that someone. or rather, that he had found me..)

Dec 4th

almost all alliteration

[two days late. but to remain truthful, it needed revision after last night’s events (or lack there of)..] i remember the moment i made the discovery of your toothbrush looking out of place on my bathroom sink. whether leaving it behind was intentional or accidental, i may never know, but my interpretation was your intention - an indication of our growing intimacy, evidence of our...

Dec 2nd

my thoughts this morning just before two a.m.

if i were to go outside right now in just the tshirt i am wearing and lay down in the street, would i be too cold to feel any pain from being ran over by a car? if i were to die in this apartment, how many days, maybe weeks, would it take before someone found out? matthew said probably one week, ten days tops. i wouldn’t be surprised if it was more, but my main worry is that that is a long...

Dec 1st

Listen

Dec 1st

you were the first person to ever make me feel beautiful, and without you, i’ve lost my ability to look in the mirror and see what you see.

Dec 1st

when i cannot sleep, i must imagine my dreams.

in the still of the late night in this apartment, i feel like i can hear everything. every door close. every key turn. every person laugh. every dog bark. every doorbell buzz. and when that sound is close enough, i close my eyes and pretend it’s mine. that it’s you who’s waiting to be let in. and as i slip out of bed and rub my tired eyes on the way to the door, i hear a...

Nov 21st

his green sweater.

when i wear his forest green sweater, my eyes camoflauge to the same color. and i’ve been wearing it since i left the hospital two or so days ago, perhaps out of laziness, or out of the desire to feel reminiscent of having him close, to swim in his scent for as many seconds as i can. though my time is running out, i know, for the smell is almost as worn out as i am, and only remains in the...

Nov 18th

rough. stough.

(to be edited so to not suck at a (much) later date. though i think it may be edging on the potential of lyrical value, yeah?) i held your hand on my heart, and you pulled it away.. i pressed my lips against yours, and you pulled them away.. i intertwined my fingers with yours, and you pulled them away.. i whispered secrets in your ear, and you pulled it away.. i asked for your trust, and you...

Nov 17th

i woke up today

and looked in the mirror. i haven’t felt this ugly in a long time. make-up smudged under my eyes, my hair flat and untamed, my skin paler than usual. my face looks strung out, i assume from the combination of my inability to sleep these days and malnutrition. i think the bags under my eyes are growing to be permanent. and i maybe, just maybe, may have seen a wrinkle or two. and yes,...

Nov 6th

(this one sucks.)

i fall asleep alone to the rising of the sun and wake alone to light creeping through my curtains. i find that it’s harder to sleep without you. i put on a record and rid of last night’s residue. through open blinds and open windows, i greet the day’s sunshine alone without a smile. i find that it’s harder to appreciate things without you. i catch a glimpse of a mirror and...

Oct 23rd

(i think i only write when i'm hurting)

i drown myself in my bed, and all i smell is you. and though these pillows hold me close, this morning, you held me closer. and though these blankets keep me warm, this morning, you kept me warmer. and i’d prefer to not pick apart your scent off my pillow, but instead to just have you here. my head. your chest. synchronized breath. as if a relationship was a tangible matter, you blame the...

Oct 15th

i wish you were here lying next to me, listening...

(ps: happy birthday)

Oct 13th

...

and above everything, i realized that you are the only person in the world that i know would come running..

Oct 12th

it's true. i really do lose everything..

in the matter of less than a week.. i lost my job. i lost my two closest friends. i lost my wallet. i lost my chance at getting decent grades in two of my four classes. i lost my luster to the boy in my life. i lost all ambition, all desire, all motivation to do better. and now i’m losing patience. when’s my next starting over point?

Oct 11th

the fucked up thing about when things seem fucked is to think how easily they can be easy.

Oct 9th

as i gag on the foot in my mouth..

so let’s just pretend everything (i) said was never meant.. i find that i tend toward reluctance. i am reluctant to trust people, reluctant to let them in, reluctant to share how i feel about them. and days like this one, conversations like that one, serve as perfect justification. signed, a dumb girl

Oct 8th

i don't want to hide behind a blog anymore..

i’d rather just say it all to your face. (i know i should, but i know i won’t.)

Sep 29th

this one’s my new favorite (though i...

Sep 27th

the override of jeans and a tshirt (and in this...

i will never be one of the “pretty girls.” i will never turn heads. i will never look like i keep up with the latest fashions. i will never wear a dress with a high-waist belt. i will never consider a pair of boots a practical pair of shoes (save combat boots or hiking boots or the snow boots i’ll probably attempt to wear again this winter). i will never curl my hair to go to a...

Sep 24th

Sep 6th

a (monthly) review before the big exam.

(things i have learned in the month of august 2010) i learned that commuting to work from the suburbs does not suck. i learned to appreciate the business folk. the ones who’ve been making this same exact commute five out of seven days a week for the past however many years. i’ve met a lot of friendly, helpful people. made a lot of flirtatious eye contact with attractive, potential (in...

Sep 2nd

this evening's fortune cookie

“the best times of your life have not yet been lived.” good to know. (i was hoping so.)

Aug 25th

staring up at a full moon in a turquoise night sky

Aug 23rd

this song. this number. this night.

Aug 13th

i’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.

Aug 12th

am i losing you?

is this ending soon?

Jul 20th

spirit desire, spend my time. tell me that you're...

i remember as part of a project in fourth grade, i was asked to name my biggest fear. while my classmates’ answers were (dare i say) typical - spiders, snakes, heights, death- my response was “to be completely alone and have no one to turn to.” though i cannot recall why i would worry about such a thing at that age, i find it ironic how relevant (and persistent) that fear is ten...

Jul 17th

1 tag

so we ignore those body parts that get so wet and...

Jun 27th

the thoughts currently running through my head

i wanted to send this to you in a message, but i decided it might be too long. not that i think you’d respond to it anyway, but it’d be nice to have someone to talk to right now.. i’m getting to that point again. and i don’t know why we do this to ourselves. why we keep going from day to day feeling like this. but then i think.. what if i really were to just stop. to give...

May 12th

you questioned it. but i reassured you. i really thought we would be in it together forever. now i wish i was the one to call this.

May 10th

May 2nd

May 1st

Apr 28th